I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse