Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈