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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed