My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I have a new favorite meme page
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.