Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES