If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You Might Also Like
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.