The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Ah yes. The three genders
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook