ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”