I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
You Might Also Like
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
life finds a way
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’