So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-