bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.