her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
You Might Also Like
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”