How does one answer this?
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet