Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
You Might Also Like
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
There’s always that one guy
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?