interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL