*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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No, he would not have.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”