Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.