god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.