*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches