I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Generation gap…
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.