Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
live, laugh, laundry.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.