My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do