The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.