As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
You Might Also Like
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
anyone else like Italian cereal
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
goldfish mafia
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers