I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
not for long
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests