I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.