Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.