I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Awwwww shit.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage