Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me sliding into hell like
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.