If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Autocorrect completely socks
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
beware of dog
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.