The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Put a ring on it
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.