“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
OH. COME. ON.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”