*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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“Itself”
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“Itself”~History
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready