Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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