Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”