Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My favorite female superhero
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee