[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?