my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
They did not miss in the small print
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.