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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
i’m sure it’s fine
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.