I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Got ya covered
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?