Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Worth remembering.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY