Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Fight
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?