Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
it be like that
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut