My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Sorry. Not sorry
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?