Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet