Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Not today.. 😂
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.