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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.