With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it