Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.