Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
White parent Vs Arab parents
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth